Today I couldn't eat my lunch - first since I've been in Paris. The reason I am shocked and why I'm writing this here now is because the Holy Spirit was the cause. The Lord was weighing so heavily in my heart, He was so palpable, that I couldn't stomach the taste of something as simple as a ham and cheese sandwich. Perhaps some of you have never felt this before, but I think that one of the most beautiful parts of knowing God is communing with Him. It's just that sometimes we are surprised at the situations that remind us of His presence.
When I went to the grocery store to purchase my pre-made sandwich, I walked past several homeless people sitting beside each of the doors to the store. The thought crossed my mind as I was walking away from the sound of their soft but insistent voices. What was I doing, buying that food for myself when all these people are asking for is something to eat? As I stared at my uneaten half of the sandwich, their simple pleas reverberated in my head.
I went back after what felt like ten minutes of hesitation. Beside the gates of a nearby elementary school, a child, probably 10 years old, sat bundled up on the sidewalk. I reached out and gave this small human form my sandwich, hardly hearing the plea escaping her lips. As I walked away, I realized that I didn't even know how to share more with this child - how to share the reason that drew me to give her food. All the years of learning the "strategy" of evangelism cannot prepare anyone for what it is like to go beyond yourself for the Gospel in real life. I had no words, only a sandwich and a smile.
At the end of the day, strategy is a tactic the world uses in business, not a Biblical necessity. When face to face with human misery, we have to lean on the Lord. There is nothing in human power to provide for the needs of another soul; all we have is food.
I want this moment to be frozen in time as both a turning point and a failure to trust in God. My failure was when I hesitated to go the moment I felt the Lord's rebuke. I thought about just throwing away the uneaten half of my sandwich. It would have been just as easy to do it. But that thought should caused me to recognize the voice of the Lord. We are always tempted to give into the flesh when we are on mission for the Lord. The enemy knows where we are weak and constantly gives us the chance to forget about God, to conveniently believe that He couldn't be present in our daily lives. But the Lord protects us so that we never have to doubt the call of His Gospel.
Perhaps if I had acted immediately to the stirring of His Spirit, I wouldn't have had that trouble speaking the words of God in my heart, yet I know that the Lord's grace will cover me and this child. Even now the Word of God is my food. My strength. My love.
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